I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
So apparently I’m into choking now
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
