Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
