The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
