i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize
