Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize