have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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