Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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