Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Randomize
