HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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