Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
