I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
