oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
