So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
