My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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