I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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