The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I had to cum in my sink.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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