WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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