I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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