You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
