Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
