The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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