Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You are the jesus of drinking
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
