So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
