Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
