If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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