the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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