I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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