mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
