i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
