so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
