Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
