Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
