How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
