My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
