walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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