i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Randomize
