i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
These tits shall not be calmed
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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