butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
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and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I need moral support for this bender
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
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Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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