I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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