Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
