my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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