I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
