I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
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