you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!