he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
