I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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