he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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