Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
