what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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