Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
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