i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
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I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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