Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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